Noah and the Unicorn

"Who's Noah?"

"He was in the Bible. God told him that there would be heavy rains for 40 days and 40 nights, and there would be a flood. So God told him to prepare for the flood by building a BIG boat called an "Ark". And into this ark Noah was to bring two of every animals, to save them from the flood."

"So he got all the animals into the ark?"

"Yes. He got two pigs, two chickens - a rooster and a hen, two cows - well actually one was a bull, two dogs, two cats, two goats..."

"What about elephants? Did he bring elephants?"

She was obsessed with elephants.

"Oh yes. He didn't forget about the elephants and the zebras and the giraffes, and lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"

"And unicorns?"

"Well, he couldn't find any unicorns. Because they were so rare! So unfortunately, there weren't any unicorns on the Ark. And so that's why there are no unicorns today."

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Unicorn

"Ham!"

"Yes, father?"

"I got another mission for you. You need to get a pair of unicorns."

"What do they look like?"

"They have one horn on their head. And they look like horses, except for the horn on their head."

"What happened to the other horn? Did it break off or something?"

"No. Apparently, they are supposed to have just ONE horn."

"Seems a bit unbalanced. Is it usually on the right or the left?"

"No. It's in the centre. Just one horn."

"Oh. I see."

2 weeks later, Ham returned with a pair of unicorns.

"Here you are father. Two unicorns. Just like you asked for."

"These are unicorns?"

"Yeah. Two horses with a horn on their heads."

"Their horn seems a little low. It seems more like it's at the end of their muzzle. I thought it would be higher."

"Yeah, but it's a single horn. And it looks like a horse."

"That's the other thing. It's legs are thicker than a horse. And a little short. And are those armour plates on them?"

"Well, they have four legs, and a tail. And they are roughly like a horse. They don't have to look exactly like a horse do they?"

"Where did you find them?"

"India."

"I think what we have here are Indian Rhinoceroses."

"Nah! These are unicorns. I'm sure of it."

"Come here."

Noah brought Ham to see two other animals that looked just like the "Unicorns" he brought back. Except these had two horns, one slightly smaller and behind the larger one.

"These are the Black Rhinos. They look almost like the 'unicorns' you brought back. Except they have an extra small horn behind the first one."

"Ah."

"And, the 'horn' of the Indian Rhino is stubby and short with a triangular shape. A unicorn's horn is like a long, slim spike."

"Got it! Long, slim spike."

"Anyway, we've asked around and unicorns are most likely to be found in Scotland. Try looking there."

"Ok, Father. We'll leave right this minute!"

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Two weeks later, Ham returned with two unicorns.

"Why are the unicorns in a tank?"

"We found them swimming in the sea just before we got to Scotland."

"Are you sure these are unicorns?"

"Yes! We're sure! They have the single horn in the middle of their head, and it's a slim spike, not that stubby cone that is on the rhino."

"Let me see."

Noah stared at the two creatures for a long time. They were huge. And they were quite comfortable in the water.

Yes, they each had a long spike in the middle of their head.

Noah gathered his thoughts and then he said, "Those aren't unicorns."

"What? But they have the spikey horns, just like you said."

Narwhal

"Yes. But I also said they should look like horses. These don't look anything like horses."

"Yeah, but it's been a while since they were last seen right? They could have changed."

"Not this much! These are whales! Narwhals, to be precise. They have fins, not legs or hoofs!"

"Yeah, but they've got that horn."

"That don't make them unicorns!"

Ham thought for a while. Then he said, "so we got to go back to Scotland, then?"

"We don't have time. The rains started 20 days ago. The Great Flood has started rising, and the water will rise even higher."

"So, we can't get to Scotland then?"

"Not without a boat."

"We have the Ark. So we can go to Scotland on the Ark?"

"Yes."

"And we can add the Narwhals to the Ark? So that wasn't a wasted trip!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"The Flood is coming. Everything will be covered with water."

"So shouldn't we save the narwhals?"

"They are whales. They live in the water. They can swim. They don't need rescuing."

"Oh."

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Noah met a Scotsman.

"Excuse me. Where can I find a Unicorn?"

"You wanna find a Unicorn?"

"Yes, God has asked me to collect two of every land animal and put them in this Ark so they can survive the coming flood."

"So that's why the water's been rising. I've taken to wearing my wife's skirts cos my trousers keep getting wet. I must say, this skirt is quite comfy. I could get used to this."

Noah looked at the Scotsman in his wife's skirt. He was a stout looking man and probably would not appreciate being laughed at for wearing his wife's skirt. In any case, Noah had a mission.

"Er... Unicorns? Where can I find one? Or two actually."

"Oh, they don't show themselves to just anyone. You need to be a young maiden before a unicorn lets you approach it. And I might be wrong, but none of yer..." and here the Scotsman looked over Noah and his three sons, Shem, Ham, and Japheth critically, "are young maidens," he said.

And that's why Noah did not save any unicorns, and why there are no unicorns today.