Shel Silverstein's "I Wish I had a Dragon"

 

Life and How to Survive It

Below is a speech to the graduating class of 2008 at NTU convocation ceremony by Adrian Tan, a litigation lawyer and the author of The Teenage Textbook. Read it! It's hilarious but very meaningful.

Adrian Tan

[Nov 2008]

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

Writing is strange...

 Funny.

But true!

(Probably.)

Here's a resource:

https://www.suecoletta.com/crime-writers-resource/

London Tube announcements

From an email from September 13, 2004

[Note: Most (if not all) of our trains, NEL, Circle Line, DTL, are driverless.... and humourless...]

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers....

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you’re all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you’ll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction”.

“Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I’ll let you know any further information as soon as I’m given any.”

“Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won’t reach our destination.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let’s take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....’Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....’”.

“We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don’t think about things like that”.

“Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me.”

During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: “step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately towels are not provided”.

“Let the passengers off the train FIRST!” (Pause ...) “Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I’m going home....”

“Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with ‘Please hold the doors open’. The two are distinct and separate instructions.”

“Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.”

“We can’t move off because some idiot has their f***ing hand stuck in the door” “To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of ‘stand clear of the doors’ don’t you understand?”

“Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways”

[Cooment: So much for the much vaunted, “stiff upper lip” and Brit reserve, eh?]

“May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it’s only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage”.

 

Improvements for Facebook Relationship Status

[This was posted to my Facebook Status about 11 years ago (around 2011). ]


The Facebook relationship status is too limited. And "it's complicated" is just asking for trouble. Here are some more specific suggestions.

Instead of "Single", we should have:

Single but looking
Single and swinging
Single and unaware of how ugly I am
Single but realistic about the prospect of finding someone at this stage in life
Single and still attracted to people who wouldn't give me the time of day
Single but has hi-speed internet and know how to access porn
Single but with membership to adult shop
Single and resigned to the fact that I will die alone
Single but happy (until my drugs/batteries run out).
Single and on Chatroulette
[new editions:]

Single-with wonderful friends all over the world
Single-lonely and sad
Single-still hopeful
Single-given up on love 

Instead of "in a relationship", "in an open relationship" and "it's complicated", we should have:

Secretly interested in someone
Stalking someone
Being stalked by someone
In a one-sided relationship
"Victim" of a one-sided relationship
Dating someone but not exclusively
Dating several someones... exclusively!
In an exclusive relationship with someone who is in an open relationship
In an exclusive relationship, but could be tempted
In an exclusive relationship but could be mistaken (he doesn't know it yet!)
Engaged, so presumably relationship is exclusive. (Damn!)
Engaged, but having doubts.
Engaged, for the purpose of registering for a flat (Singapore only)
Engaged cos couldn't think of a reason to say no (STD were in remission)



Instead of "Married" we could have:

Recently Married, so still figuring out where all the bits go.
Married but starting to have doubts.
Married, so it's too late now (Strict Catholics only)
Married, seems like forever.
Married but available (Don't tell wife/husband)
Married but doesn't take vows seriously
Married for the sex, but the novelty has worn off
Married for the money, but that has run out
Married for love, but reality is starting to set in
Married but wish I wasn't
Would be happily married if it weren't for the in-laws.
[additions/amendments:]
Married and Catholic, so my only way out now is suicide or murder

Married- my first/my second/my xth...
Married- legal only in X country/state
Married- same sex
Married- to my car/ mortgage/ pet....

Instead of "Divorced" or "Separated":

Came to senses finally
Getting rid of "cling wrap"
Free again!
Sleeping with Divorce Lawyer