Life and How to Survive It

Below is a speech to the graduating class of 2008 at NTU convocation ceremony by Adrian Tan, a litigation lawyer and the author of The Teenage Textbook. Read it! It's hilarious but very meaningful.

Adrian Tan

[Nov 2008]

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

Improvements for Facebook Relationship Status

[This was posted to my Facebook Status about 11 years ago (around 2011). ]


The Facebook relationship status is too limited. And "it's complicated" is just asking for trouble. Here are some more specific suggestions.

Instead of "Single", we should have:

Single but looking
Single and swinging
Single and unaware of how ugly I am
Single but realistic about the prospect of finding someone at this stage in life
Single and still attracted to people who wouldn't give me the time of day
Single but has hi-speed internet and know how to access porn
Single but with membership to adult shop
Single and resigned to the fact that I will die alone
Single but happy (until my drugs/batteries run out).
Single and on Chatroulette
[new editions:]

Single-with wonderful friends all over the world
Single-lonely and sad
Single-still hopeful
Single-given up on love 

Instead of "in a relationship", "in an open relationship" and "it's complicated", we should have:

Secretly interested in someone
Stalking someone
Being stalked by someone
In a one-sided relationship
"Victim" of a one-sided relationship
Dating someone but not exclusively
Dating several someones... exclusively!
In an exclusive relationship with someone who is in an open relationship
In an exclusive relationship, but could be tempted
In an exclusive relationship but could be mistaken (he doesn't know it yet!)
Engaged, so presumably relationship is exclusive. (Damn!)
Engaged, but having doubts.
Engaged, for the purpose of registering for a flat (Singapore only)
Engaged cos couldn't think of a reason to say no (STD were in remission)



Instead of "Married" we could have:

Recently Married, so still figuring out where all the bits go.
Married but starting to have doubts.
Married, so it's too late now (Strict Catholics only)
Married, seems like forever.
Married but available (Don't tell wife/husband)
Married but doesn't take vows seriously
Married for the sex, but the novelty has worn off
Married for the money, but that has run out
Married for love, but reality is starting to set in
Married but wish I wasn't
Would be happily married if it weren't for the in-laws.
[additions/amendments:]
Married and Catholic, so my only way out now is suicide or murder

Married- my first/my second/my xth...
Married- legal only in X country/state
Married- same sex
Married- to my car/ mortgage/ pet....

Instead of "Divorced" or "Separated":

Came to senses finally
Getting rid of "cling wrap"
Free again!
Sleeping with Divorce Lawyer

Future Imperfect, Present Tense, Past Perfect

[First "published" in 2006.]

(Or Future Perfect, Present Tense and Past Imperfect)

Life is only as complicated as we think it is

The only important thing to know is this

Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re weary

Laugh when you’re happy, sigh when you’re teary